Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
