The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
