I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We left the knife in your bed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
