You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
