Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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