I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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