I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
