I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm getting married
To pizza
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
