If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
