I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
