Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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