If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
