a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
