Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
