He is an equal opportunity slut.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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