Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
How external is "for external use only"?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
