; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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