I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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