Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
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No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize