You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
