Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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