be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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