if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
