we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
