Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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