If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
