I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
