I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
