Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
