Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
