his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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