last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
