You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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