if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
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