he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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