I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
