Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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