apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
