i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
