Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member