You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.