I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
