Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
