My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
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just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
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I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process