Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
