At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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