I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she smelled like a LAN party
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
