Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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