So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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