y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
