Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Girls should come with a carfax report
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
