I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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