just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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