I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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