You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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