her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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