I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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